I can't stop cheating on my boyfriend
58% said that a partner has been unfaithful in a relationship, while 51% admitted “We were together for eight months, and I was cheated on. However, for Vincent, 29, cheating wasn't a result of addiction or a breakdown in the relationship. He was simply bored and sexually frustrated. Gay African-American Couple Using Laptop Together A cheating boyfriend can cause tension in any relationship. Everyone hopes their.
I discovered he had joined countless dating websites describing himself as gay on his profiles and had been posting messages looking for gay sex on forums. I confronted him about all this and he wasn't using the websites or sleeping with men any more. I know this to be nonsense. Despite it all he still claims to be straight. We separated after this confrontation. I'd forgiven him countless times for cheating with women but this was too much.
He has never had any remorse for his actions. If I were to go off and sleep with someone else it would be unforgivable in his eyes. But he thinks I should just forgive and forget and move forward like nothing's happened.
Honestly, I feel like I've just been a cover for his family because he's not able to come out. Do I keep trying to make things work? Short answer - no, dear God no.
I need to address a particular bug bear of mine, and that's you snooping on his emails. I'm sorry, I just don't buy this 'cleaning his inbox' line. You were snooping, plain and simple.
Ask Brian: I discovered my boyfriend on gay dating websites while cleaning his email inbox
And you shouldn't have been. You didn't stumble into his email inbox while attacking the laptop with your feather duster. Yes, he is your boyfriend. But that doesn't entitle you to snoop on his private communications.
He's still entitled to privacy. Now that the scolding is over, let's address what you did find on your "clean". Your boyfriend is a serial, compulsive cheater and liar. Infidelity can happen in relationships for a variety of reasons, however the least forgivable is probably 'not being able to keep it in his pants' syndrome. He is sleeping around with both women and men, putting himself - and therefore you - at risk of any nasty STI he might pick up on his bedroom travels.
To me, whether it's a man or a woman he's cheating with is largely irrelevant here, it's the serial and repeated nature of his cheating and his lack or remorse which is the concern.
Who's Cheating? If It's Not You, It's Probably Him
Why was the cheating with women more forgivable to you than with men to you? You just want to reflect on whether or not you are carrying a family legacy of cheating that you may not be conscious of. Are there problems in your current relationship? Sometimes there are negative feelings towards a partner that one cannot express well or at all, and thus cheating is a way of doing that. The anger at the partner becomes eroticised and a person will cheat and have sex outside the relationship.
This is not justification to go outside one's relationship and cheat, but if there are problems which are not being addressed or worked on, then a partner might find themselves acting out their negative feelings by getting validation and acceptance from people outside the relationship. We used to believe in the field of psychology that most cheating was a result of a bad relationship.
However, we no longer believe this and now realise that people cheat for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with the partnership. Are there things you want sexually in your relationship that you are not talking about with your partner?
Are you dissatisfied with the romantic realm of your partnership and finding yourself looking elsewhere? Talk to your partner about anything you are frustrated with or angry about. Find ways to express yourself to ensure you are not acting out anything angry towards him.
Explore if there are issues here that are similar to the last time you were caught dissolving a relationship. Perhaps you need to learn from this and behave differently. Were you sexually abused?
Sometimes childhood sexual abuse can rear its head by causing compulsive sexual acting out as an adult if it has not been healed or resolved. Hypersexual behaviour is the main symptom of unresolved childhood sexual abuse. You talk about your sexual behaviour as if it is out of your control and that makes me wonder about sexual abuse in your past. Sexual abuse can be overt and covert.
Overt abuse is obvious where you were penetrated, digitally manipulated or masturbated, and you know that the interaction was directly sexual. This is a hard topic to raise with your parents without them becoming immediately defensive, even if sexual abuse did not occur.
Often there are family stories about an uncle or family friend whose behaviour was inappropriate. You may be able to ask questions about anything like that around siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles to see if anything like this existed in your family. Read a book on childhood sexual abuse to see if anything resonates for you. Are you sexually addicted or compulsive? The main elements that drive sexual addiction are loss of control, continuing to engage in the sexual behaviour despite negative consequences and failed attempts to stop or control it.
Boredom, as you state, is a major reason for surfing online. Research shows that it is the number one reason why people become sexually compulsive and can result in sexual addiction if not kept in check.
I would challenge you when you write that you can't control yourself and that you 'just fall into bed with someone' or that 'it just happens' when you are surfing the net. Both of these statements are passive and lack acceptance of accountability.
I know it feels this way but now you have made the step to reach out for help and accept full responsibility. The only requirement for attendance is the desire to stop unwanted sexual behaviour. Most gay men don't consider that they have unresolved internalised homophobia.
After coming out, many gay men think that everything is OK and never look back to examine if anything from their childhood growing up gay in an anti-gay world is being brought into the present and the future. Let's face it, we are taught to run away from each other as children and not allowed to pursue a close intimate relationship let alone a friendshipwith each other well into our teens - and for many of us much later.
This template contributes to so many gay men being unable to form intimate relationships with other men, and cheating is one of the ways they avoid intimacy.