How to balance give and take in a relationship

how to balance give and take in a relationship

Life, as they say, is give and take. You put things in and you take things out. The same is true for relationships where a balance of give and take is a sound. "It's all about give and take" is probably something you've heard of many times. It means to both life and relationships are about balance. When someone says. There's a mechanism called 'Give and Take' in relationships without which there won't be any balance, happiness or mutual growth. Here are 5.

Manage Expectations Every individual, every situation and every relationship is different. We are in a constant state of learning about one another and since people grow and change, the lessons never stop.

The first step in finding more balance is to assume you know nothing! People will never be what we want them to be in our fantasies, or what we thought they were when we first met. They might not be who you thought they were the day before. That is what makes people so beautiful. Appreciate the unknown instead of trying control it.

FIVE (5) RULES to find balance in your Relationship.

No relationship can bare that kind of pressure! Or, in other words, leave the baggage at the door. It could be as simple as miscommunication — perhaps their intentions were good. So ask, listen and try to understand where they are coming from. Last but not least, try to encourage and support each other. It is the foundation of any good and lasting relationship, which is in part achieved by helping each other grow.

Oftentimes, your partner needs you to observe their personal growth and recognise their achievement or qualities. From telling your loved one how great they look before going out to dinner to showing your admiration for their results at work, a well-thought and honest compliment every day can make wonders in your relationship.

Frequently express your respect and admiration for their talents or skills and make sure they know you want for them what they want for themselves.

Constructive criticism is always allowed, but try to inspire instead of judge.

how to balance give and take in a relationship

Encourage each other as individuals as well as in the relationship. Remember, an uneven relationship will topple sooner or later. Likewise, taking can range from grateful acceptance of a kind offer to coercive demands.

how to balance give and take in a relationship

Both give and take can hence be positive and negative in intent and involve corresponding positive and negative emotions. The equation of reciprocity The way we behave in balancing give and take is driven by the personal and social need for fairness. Relationships extend this to work through the force of reciprocitywhere there is a strong obligation to repay what you are given.

If one person owes too much to the other, resentment and conflict may arise and the relationship may consequently fall apart. An exact balance is not always required as trust acts to make this a 'sloppy' system.

The greater the trust, the more negative the balance can become before concern about repayment arises. If I trust you then I will give a lot before I seek to take in return, confident that you will repay me at some time in the future. In each relationship there is a bucket system of 'social capital' where we make deposits and withdrawals from the bucket.

The exact currency is difficult to define but could perhaps be approximated with the formula emotion x time. If you spend two hours helping someone, and they spend an hour helping you, then, if the emotional exchange is equal, they still owe you an hour.

Emotional complexity The problem in balancing the books of social exchange is that emotion is a complex variable. If you help me for an hour and I am very grateful, then I may feel a need to help you for three hours doing something in return.

Gratitude is hence a powerful driving emotion in social exchange. When I help you, it is your gratitude that is the deposit in my account that motivates you to repay me, not just the fact that I helped you. Other emotions complicate the situation.

6 Ways to Bring Balance to Your Relationships

For example if I help you and expect you to be grateful, then my feelings of expectation will give me the impression that I have earned a certain amount of social capital, and that my bucket is a little fuller as yours is a little emptier. Yet if you are not that grateful, you will not think you owe me that much. In fact if you did not need or want my help then you may think you owe me nothing. And if you see my help as an intrusion or an attempted 'robbery' in forcing me to owe you in return then your feelings of resentment will tip the balance the other way as you believe I owe you some reparation for the wrong done.

In this way positive and negative emotions have opposite effects on the social capital bucket, and the stronger the emotion, the bigger the effect. If you hurt me in any way, then you owe me. If you help me then I owe you. Love and hate are enduring emotions that have a big effect on give and take. If I love you then I will give much. Even if you do little in return, I will feel good for having helped you and hence effectively reward myself with good feelings rather than expect things from you.

The extreme form of this is unconditional love which, as the name suggests, expects nothing in return.

Love can also complicate the bucket when it leads to lower expected reciprocity.

how to balance give and take in a relationship

My expressions of love for you may make you feel that I expect little. This can cause resentment and anger that results in recriminations that erode the love, effectively 'killing the golden goose'. Hate is often based in the belief that the other person owes a great deal, which justifies attacks that take much from them.

When others refuse to repay what we believe they owe us then our emotions become negative and hence motivate harmful action.

how to balance give and take in a relationship

Just as unconditional love does not consider what is given, blind hate is not concerned with what is taken. Both can upset the bucket and confuse the social capital account, though each is likely to beget itself.

Love very largely creates love and hate mostly creates hate. Love results in much reciprocal giving while hate leads to battles of blow-by-blow taking. The wider effect While give and take is important in individual relationships, its broader power is in the creation of society. As relationships deepen and trust increases, we may take from one person and give to another.

For example a person in a happy relationship will be kind to others, effectively sharing the social capital gained from their relationship partner. This is helped by the fact that emotional exchange is often unconscious.