When my friend's seemingly happy relationship ended recently, we both been feeling a romantic connection for a while, it started to make. Falling in love is wonderful, providing your feelings are reciprocated, of course. Things change naturally within any relationship, but they normally . guarantee they've both gone through everything listed here-but they have. If you feel like your relationship might be getting stuck in a rut, and that's to each other's sides, you'll quickly realize the spark has gone out.
Some chalk it up to evolved differences, a slow growing apart, or sheer familiarity. With researchers estimating that percent of married individuals in the United States will have an affair at some point in their relationship, it may be time to really examine what causes our affections to wane. What prompts the shift from helpless love to deep disinterest? What turns our heart-racing enthusiasm for another person to boredom and dissatisfaction? In a sense, my marriage solved my problem: This bond is formed when sincere feelings of love, respect, and attraction are replaced with imaginings of security, connectedness and protection.
8 Ways to Regain Love in a Relationship
Though these may all seem like positive attributes of an intimate relationship, placing a priority on form over substance is a key destroyer of any close relationship. People who engage in a fantasy bond value routine over spontaneity and safety over passion.
They go through the motions of being together or involved but without bringing the energy, independence, and affection that once colored their relationship. The risk in fusing our identity with another person is that we often lose the respect and attraction we once held for that person.
We also stand to lose ourselves in the relationship, rather than maintaining the unique qualities that gave us confidence and drew our partners to us in the first place.
8 Ways to Regain Love in a Relationship
When couples lose these real feelings for each other, rather than challenging destructive patterns in their relating, they tend to either throw away the relationship or sink deeper into fantasy for fear of losing each other or being alone. The good news is these feelings of excitement can be restored. Fantasy bonds exist on a continuum. Some couples are deeper into fantasy than others.
Most people fluctuate between moments of being truly close and moments of substituting fantasy for real love. By recognizing the degree to which you engage in a fantasy connection as opposed to a sincere form of relating, you can challenge negative habits and patterns, and experience new and exciting stages of your relationship. On March 20, I will be hosting a CE Webinar on The Fantasy Bond, which will present a model for an ideal relationship that combines emotional closeness and sexual intimacy, while each partner maintains a differentiated and individuated sense of self.
In the meantime, here are a few key ways to identify if you are in a fantasy bond and how you and your partner can go about changing it. Loss of Physical Attraction — When we form a fantasy of fusion with another person, we tend to eventually lose some of our physical attraction to that person. Relying on someone to take care of us or looking to them to complete us puts a heavy burden on our relationship. When we view our partners as the independent and attractive individuals they are, we can keep a fresh level of excitement and affection for them.
Rather than driving us apart, this separateness actually allows us to feel our attractions and choose to be together. Think about the state people are in when they first fall in love.
They are drawn to each other based on their unique attributes. Their individuality is viewed with interest and respect, qualities we should aim to maintain even decades after being with someone romantically. Letting yourself go physically or mentally — When we reach a level of comfort in a relationship, we may tend to care a little less about how we look and how we take care of ourselves. We may be more likely to act out without regard or consideration for the ways we not only hurt our partners but ourselves.
We may gain weight or engage in unhealthy habits, drinking more or exercising less.
Why the Spark Fades in a Relationship
Try and remember what those first few days, weeks or even if you're very lucky years were like. Ask yourself what you did differently and how you treated each other. And then try, with the co-operation of your boyfriend or husband, to relive those moments.
Go out on a first date again, to a nice fancy restaurant, and maybe order the same meals you would have eaten back then.
Regain love and passion! For one night, forget about calories and kids and cost for the night! These small things can be very important in trying to trigger your mind in to remembering how you felt about someone, and why you felt the way that you once felt. It's a key word, and one that I can't emphasise enough. At this stage of your relationship, you probably know when your significant other is going to object to something, or when he's going to want to participate in an activity you have no interest in.
You will have built up a quick response system to counter these things: These sorts of stock responses are not conducive to a successful, happy relationship and can stop you from regaining love in your relationship.
Instead, consciously think about your answer to one of your partner's requests, take a moment to understand and think about what he's saying, and give a clear, measured response. Hopefully, over time you can learn to compromise on some things, and if he wants the relationship to continue and your love to come back to him, then he'll notice that and respond.
Even if you end up disagreeing on something, or saying no, the fact you have clearly considered a response before answering will do the power of good. And hey, you might actually enjoy some of the activities you never would have done before! Make new friends and have more of an outside life. To regain love, you may first have to broaden your horizons, so the man in your life starts to crave attention.
When you spend time apart, you will appreciate your time together much more! If you have kids, get to know other parents and spend time with them.
If you want to get fit, join a gym and start training your body, not for him, for yourself. Maybe you've always had a dream of spending time painting, or some other creative pastime. This is your chance to do it! All of these activities have one thing in common—your man can join you in these pursuits.
If he does, then as well as spending some extra quality time with each other, you may find a shared love for a hobby or skill. I don't mean Monopoly or Scrabble! The mind games and digs at each other have to stop. You may feel justified in what you say or what you do during one of these verbal battles, but over time they not only wear you out, but also kill your partner's longing to be with you.
Start being straight with each other rather than beating about the bush and making snide comments. Mind games in some situations can be fun, and completely harmless, such as teasing in the bedroom, or play fighting. These can actually help foster a good relationship, and be healthy reminders of why you love each other.
- Falling Out Of Love: 5 Signs Your Feelings For Them Are Fading
However the petty arguments that can start to creep in to a relationship after a while do nothing to help you start to regain love like you felt when you first met.
Honesty—one simple word, but probably the most important aspect to a relationship, and certainly an essential part of regaining love that may have lapsed. I'm sure you were honest at some point in your bonding, when nothing seemed taboo, and you could tell your partner everything there was to know about yourself. As we grow, things change, and two things happen.
It may not be big, but it's all these little lies and dishonesties that could end up costing you a life together.